Sunday, September 18, 2011

The vampire was ancient, highly intelligent, and controlled the minds of millions of children.... and our parents were happy about it!

   Who doesn't remember our first beloved Halloween icon? For millions of children, Sesame Street's number crunching vamp was the first experience with any creature of the night.
   The count was old school to the fullest. He could turn in to a bat, had fangs, lived in a spooky old castle, and could count you to death. Although he never bit anybody on camera, I have a feeling that he was draining poor Grover dry when we were not looking. Grover, who was always shaky, sickly thin, and blue from anemia was most likely just his minion who he drained daily. Unfortunately, it was his old school roots that caused him to fade into to the wayside of mainstream vamps.
   The Count had fallen on hard times. With big screen vamps such as, Blade, Interview with a Vampire, Underworld, and (vomit) Twilight, he was doomed to the dusk of forgotten vampirical characters.
   The final stake for The Count was when this scandalous hidden video was released to the public :

   Although the count always insisted he was innocent of all wrong doings and this was all a  misunderstanding, his image was forever tarnished.
   Our beloved numeric vamp dropped out of the scene for years before emerging briefly in Japan in 2004. Trying to cash in on the Japanese Manga animation craze, the count sold out and produced, "Count Robot Hunter".

   There was something lost in the translation and the animated show flopped, sending The Count back into hiding.
   In the winter of 2008, The Count staged a comeback trying to connect with his grown up viewers of yesteryear.  He did his best to throw out some gangster rap and attract a following using the one thing vampires knew about... sex! The result was this video :

   Again, The Count found himself the cornerstone of failure. His approach was outdated and sadly lacking modern style and backbone. Again, our pointy fanged friend of old went underground where it is said he drank deep of the rich red intoxicating drink he loved...... No not blood!  Bartles and James Pomegranate and Raspberry Wine Coolers!
   It was during one of his drunken episodes in 2009 that he happened to flip the channel to the live red carpet premier of Twilight : New Moon. He watched as Robert Pattinson paraded down the carpet as hordes of screaming children cried and begged for his attention.
   The Count was outraged! How could the world turn their backs on him and open it's arms wide to this sparkling boy band reject?  Turning into a bat, he flew to the premier and proceeded to put an undead ass whipping on Mr Pattinson on Live TV!

   Witness's reported hearing the count scream out as he pounded the would be vamps face in, "One! One ass stomping! AHH AHH AHH! Two! Two kicks to the groin AHH AHH AHH!".
   Security moved in and tried to restrain The Count, but he just flew away, counting the broken teeth of the fallen sparkly star as he went.
   This was the rebirth of The Count. His attack sparked a nation wide rebirth of fans who rose up to support real vampires everywhere. The campaign slogan of  "You can bite my hiney if your vampire's shiny", was an overnight success!

   Riding the waves of the anti Twilight movement, The Count quickly rose in ranks and following and once again, the world knew and loved the purple, number maniacal, vampire.

    Oh well, I can dream about it! I just think we owe this purple puppet of the night more credit than we give him. He not only taught me how to count but he was directly responsible for my first sparks of Halloween fascination. From the wolf howling and organ music that signaled his intro, to the flicker bulb candelabra covered in fake spider webs in his creepy castle, he hooked me in! I bet I am not the only that feels this way. This puppet will always rank higher than anything that glitters in my world.

Keep on counting Count! You're still #1 in my book!


  1. Awesome post. Just found you via HBA.

    The Count is the man, the guy can summon lightning by counting stuff. BAD ASS.

  2. Thanks Kev! I forgot about the lightning!

  3. I loved the count. I didn't know he left Sesame Street. Shows how much I keep up. He was the best character on that show and he certainly didn't sparkle.


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