Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Shockingly Sinister Shorts #8

New Girlfriend: Wow, look at that girl's hair in that commercial. I wish I had hair like that.

New Boyfriend: My ex had hair EXACTLY like that.

New Girlfriend: No way! That is the most perfect hair in the world! That woman has makeup artist and video editors that make it look that good. There is no way that hair is real.

New Boyfriend: No really. She had hair that looked that way every day. She did not even do anything special with it at all. In fact, it caused us a lot of trouble. There was always some guy wanting to run his fingers through it.

New Girlfriend: I am sorry, but I cannot believe hair like that exists in the real world. It is just too perfect.

New Boyfriend: No really she did, and I will prove it to you. Follow me to the basement. Her head should still be down there in the freezer.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Shockingly Sinister Shorts #7

*A husband and wife are sitting down to dinner. The wife seems distant and distraught.*

Husband: Cheer up honey. I made kabobs just the way you like them.

Wife: I know and you are really wonderful to do that. I just really miss my dog Fluffy. It is not like him to run away like this. I can’t even enjoy this lovely dinner you cooked for us. This wonderful food just seems bland and chewy to me.

Husband: Fluffy barked constantly and he bit me yesterday. I will not miss him at all.

Wife : Oh don’t say that, he was the sweetest dog.

Husband: You kept telling me all this time how sweet he was, but when it came time to prove it, he was just bland and chewy.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Have a wicKED Friday 13th and Happy Birthday to my best friend.

   It is A special Friday the 13th here in the Wicked Woods. My best friend , Coach Toney, is celebrating his Birthday. Yep, you heard it right. My best friend was born on Friday the 13th. Funny how life works out sometimes.

Hope your party is wicKED!

   As a tribute to both the Coach's Birthday and Friday the 13th itself, I have decided to do a top 13 list.

13 things to avoid if your birthday is on Friday the 13th:

13 - Machete Factories

12 - Any present that seems "Chainsaw" shaped.

11 - The urge to run off from the rest of the party and head into a dark woods in your underwear.

10 - No fooling around with the opposite sex. It's like pheromones to an ax murderer.

9 - A weekend invitation to be a camp councilor. Especially if part of the uniform is knee high socks!

8 - Creepy old shacks in the middle of the woods. This is not the party you are looking for.

7 - Should you find yourself attacked by a hockey mask wearing mad man, and you happen to knock him out, resist the urge to look under the mask... IT'S A TRAP! 

6 - Inviting a bunch of hooligan teenagers to your party..... they attract machete wielding maniacs and they just die by the busloads (carpet stains!).

5 - Taking a nap in a canoe in the early dawn light on a peaceful lake.

4 - If your friend offers to take you for a ride in his boat out on the lake and the boat is full of chains and heavy rocks.

3 - Hockey Games.

2 - If a guy in a hockey mask ask you to "give him a hand". 

1 - Birthday cake shaped like "Mommies head".

And remember...everything is better with Bacon!
Except Friday the 13th!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Shockingly Sinister Shorts #6

*A newly engaged couple has traveled for days to arrive at his childhood home to meet his parents. He went ahead to prepare his family for her visit and has called his betrothed at the hotel. Giving her directions, he tells her to catch a cab and come on over. She arrives at a quite little house that seems almost run down in the darkness of night. Knocking on the door, she is met by the voice of her fiancee telling her to enter.*

Newly engaged woman: Hello? Is anybody there? It sure is dark. Did the power go out?

Man covered in mud: Hello honey, Sorry about the power. I have candles lit.

Newly engaged woman: Oh my goodness! You are covered in dirt! Is everything ok?

Man covered in mud: Yes everything is fine. I was just working on getting everything ready with my parents. I must tell you there has been an accident.

Newly engaged woman: Oh no! What kind of accident? Is everyone ok.

Man covered in mud: It was a terrible car crash I fear, but don’t worry, the accident was over 10 years ago. I just had to go to the cemetery where my parents were buried and dig them up to meet you. They are down in the basement. They smell pretty horrible compared to the last time I went and got them, but they are much more talkative. I can’t wait for you to meet them though!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I got Chuck Norris's autograph!

   I heard Chuck Norris was going to be in town, so I went to see for myself. Sure enough, he was standing on the side of the road looking at his phone. I pulled up, rolled down my car window, and asked for his autograph. When I woke up 6 hours later, I was left with this!

   Thanks Chuck for autographing my car!

   But seriously, my car is in the shop thanks to my mom. She decided to see who's car was stronger. Apparently her's won as she backed into mine. Not a scratch was left on hers. Oh well, at least she has good insurance and my Mustang is going to get a complete detail job out of the deal. 
   I am also retiring my old tags. When M drives my car, people think she is a stripper.

  As soon as my car gets out of the shop, these will be going on.

 Let me tell you, we had the hardest time coming up with a wicKED tag. WICKED, 2WICKED, WICKED1, and 4WICKED was taken of course. We even went down the path of 2W1CK3D, WICKEDS and IWICKED. We settled for W1CKEDZ which hopefully people will pronounce wicked's, as in wicked's car. My mom took one look at them and said, "Wicked Z? What is a Z? ". 


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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Farewell to the Painter of Light

   I was very saddened to learn that famous, "Painter of Light", Thomas Kinkade had passed away.

Thomas Kinkade 1958-2012
   He was one of my favorite modern artist. He was most known for his amazing Christmas and Cottage scenes, (like the one below), which makes it easy to see how he came to be known as The Painter of Light.

   Although he was famous for the above style of pictures, he was also great at capturing the beauty of Autumn.

   You can view his legacy of great works at his website, http://www.thomaskinkade.com.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Happy Birthday to my wicKED Mother.

   I hope everybody had a great Easter Weekend. We certainly did here in the wicKED Woods. My mother celebrated her birthday on Easter Sunday.

The Easter Bunny showed up in the back yard... he left a pile of chocolate Jelly Beans , but I would not eat them.

Slim is ready to party! He is here to welcome the guest of honor.
I have a special ability that lets me take a picture of my mom when she is making the  most terrible faces ever. 
Mom has a pile of loot to go through! 
M made some deviled chicks.
We had my mother convinced we got her a new dog for her birthday. She was glad it was just cake. 

My mom is silly. Slim never learned to read. 

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Shockingly Sinister Shorts #5

* A happily married man returns from a long business trip to his home on Easter Sunday. As he enters through the kitchen door, he is shocked to see his ex girlfriend, from 5 years ago, standing over a large boiling pot sitting on the stove.*

Shocked Man: What on earth are you doing in my house? Why are you cooking in my kitchen.

Jilted Ex: I missed you! I kept waiting and waiting for you to come back to me but you never did. Then I heard you got married and had some kids so I decided to come take you back home.

Shocked Man: You are insane! This is just like that movie, "Fatal Attraction", where that woman boils that kids pet rabbit..... OH MY GOD! What is in the pot? Have you done something with my son's pet rabbit?

Jilted Ex: Oh don't be silly. Only a crazy person would do something over the top like that!

Shocked Man: Whew.. ok.... then what is in the pot?

Jilted Ex: Your wife's head of course.

Happy Easter to all my Peeps!

   Happy Easter everybody. Hope you all have a great Holiday! Enjoy this eggselent collection of Easter Freaks!