Last year to rebel against the daily "I am thankful for blah blah blah" Facebook posts, I took a very dark turn and did the daily thankful posts as seen from an ax murderer. I have had several request to do it again, maybe next year I will, but until then, here is the daily post in it's entirety. Enjoy!
Day 1...I am thankful that I can only fit one body in my trunk at a time. That way I pace myself and don't get over zealous so as to draw suspicion in my neighborhood.
Day 2. I am thankful that our new neighbors did not see me and Miranda carrying two obviously heavy, coffins into our new out building. Or, if they did, I am thankful they did not alert the authorities.
Day 3. I am thankful today that there are no laws limiting the sales of Home Hardware products....that way I can buy as many trash bags, shovels, duct tape, and rope as I need each weekend.
Day 4. I am thankful for shows like NCIS....For correcting my mistakes before I make them.
Day 5. I am thankful for the multitude of hidden passages, nooks, crannies, and secret rooms in my new house....You never know when you need to hide something...or someone!
Day 6. I am thankful for my Dewalt dual speed, Bench Grinder/Tool Sharpener. Because a dull machete can be a real pain in the neck!
Day 7. I am thankful for deep freezers with locks! Who would have thought of that! Locking a deep freezer....most people think it's to keep people from getting in to them... Muahahahhaha!
Day 8. I am thankful that my basement is sound proof.....or at least my neighbors are not motivated enough to call the police over hearing screaming coming from my basement at 3 am....either way, I am thankful.
Day 9. I am thankful that there are no thorn bushes in my neighborhood. There is nothing worse than getting your jump suit and hockey mask snagged in a bunch of thorns while you are innocently hiding in your neighbor's yard.
Day 10. I am thankful for my tool shed. It stores shovels, axes, pitchforks, pruning shears, machetes, ropes, sickles, and my favorite collection of chainsaws. As long as I keep these in my tool shed, nobody even thinks twice about it....People sure are funny.
Day 11. I am thankful for Google. When I ask Google important things, like how to get blood stains out of my carpet, it just gives me the answers. It doesn't freak out or judge me or threaten to call the authorities like most people do when I ask a question.
Day 12. I am thankful for hydrogen peroxide. Google told me yesterday it's the best thing to remove blood stains!
Day 13. I am thankful for gullible people. Just the other day, I left a note on my neighbors front door saying I was hiding in their basement to come down and find me. They sure were upset and it took them hours to settle down....poor gullible neighbors. I was hiding under their bed the whole time!
Day 14. I am thankful for my Frigidaire Grindpro 4-HP, 3 stage, Commercial Grade Garbage Disposal with Sound Insulation. This will come in handy over the holidays! I plan on testing it to the limit as to what kind of evidence can be disposed of.....I meant garbage! Woops, Freudian slip!
Day 15. I am thankful for Quick Drying Concrete. Nothing says, "I never want to see you again.", like a nice smooth 16 inch layer of concrete.
Day 16. I am thankful that Glad makes a 45 Gallon ForceFlex Contractor use Garbage bag. I can say from experience that sharp, jagged, bones and a broken ax WILL NOT bust through it and cause any thick fluids inside to leak out! Remember the motto! "WE MAKE SURE WHAT GOES IN STAYS IN!" That makes me feel better!
Day 17. Today I am thankful for my ADT Full Shield home security system. Every single window and door has a sensor that will alert me if anybody even touches them. It also has motion detectors on every level and around the outside perimeter. I'm not concerned with keeping people out, rather with keeping them in...
Day 18. I am thankful that I am a homeowner with 3 lots of land. I can dig huge holes in my back yard and when my neighbors ask me what I am doing, I can just say "Planting a tree". That seems to satisfy them, for the most part. (Note to self, must buy trees and not do this at night anymore.)
Day 19. I am thankful that Thanksgiving is fast approaching. It is the one time of year I can get my vast collection of knives professionally sharpened without being questioned. If they ask, I tell them it's for the Turkey....wonder if my old jerk face neighbor wonders why I started calling him Turkey all of a sudden.
Day 20. I am thankful that humanity is resilient against stressful situations and fear and eventually overcome such obstacles and accept them as common place without question. For example, I have been forming all of our trash into the shape of a human body and then covering it in lawn and leaf garbage bags wrapped in duct tape. The town garbage men were really scared, even upset the first few times they pulled up and found this laying beside the trash cans. When they found out it was just trash, they quickly accepted it and just started two man heaving it into the back of the truck...This will come in handy for when I have to throw out a real body.
Day 21. I am thankful for my awesome cameras. I am especially thankful for them during the Holiday Season. I usually leave pictures of my neighbors in their mailboxes. Nothing weird, just nice photos of them having dinner, playing games, and enjoying the holidays. It's not my fault they won't invite me over and the pictures are taken from their windows.....mostly while they sleep....people can be so rude when you try to do something nice for them....
Day 22. I am thankful all my neighbors keep their yards well maintained and have raked up all the leaves for disposal. Nothing seems to disturb them more than when they hear "somebody" walking around their back yards, crunching leaves at 2 am in the morning. Problem solved!
Day 23. I am thankful that even in this morally down-spiraling world we live in, people still try to teach right and wrong as well as good and bad. I overheard a young single mother telling her little girl about how she should not trust strangers and how the real monsters of the world don't hide under beds but walk our streets at night and look for ways to inflict evil upon us all. Well, I think that is what she said...it was hard to hear everything from her closet and the mask I was wearing muffled everything.
Day 24. I am thankful for old abandoned wells....or as I like to call them, retirement homes for the exceedingly rude and uncaring.
Day 25. I am thankful for long walks in the woods. The fact that I am dragging a body behind me is completely irrelevant!
Day 26. While standing in line at a pharmacy, I was thankful that there is NyQuil for people who are suffering from sever cold/flu symptoms. I like to call it the "The night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can't hear me creeping up to your bedroom with an ax, medicine".
Day 27. I am thankful that the snow held off until after 2am. Nothing can ruin your night more than leaving a trail of bloody footprints back to your home in the snow!
Day 28. I am thankful that so many people will gobble till they wobble tonight as they sit down with their families and friends. The combination of overeating mixed with the effects of wine and tryptophan will make it impossible to outrun a chainsaw wielding freak with a hockey mask......Happy Thanksgiving all! Gotta go fill up my chainsaw!