Shockingly Sinister Shorts #26

*A wealthy real estate owner lies on an operating table as he prepares for an extremely expensive face lift and Rhinoplasty surgery. After amassing his immense wealth, the years had not been kind to him in looks, so he had decided to take a chunk of those massive earnings and look as rich as he felt. At 61 years old, he was going to turn back the clock by a decade or two, no matter what the cost. An anesthesiologist walks in to prep his long surgical procedures. *

Anesthesiologist: Hey there, I will be your anesthesiologist for today’s procedures. Looking at your chart, you seem to be getting a lot of work done all at once. You know there is a slight risk involved with all that being done at once for a gentleman of your age?

Wealthy patient: Oh yes, the doctor explained it to me, but I am not much on waiting. I want it all over and done with as soon as possible so I can enjoy my life as the new me. Besides, the doctor said it was only about 1% risk for all the procedures.

Anesthesiologist: Yes, that is true. If you are sure, I will go ahead and prep you for your procedures.

Wealthy patient: I have been waiting for this for years so please let’s proceed.

*The anesthesiologist begins pulling out an array of hypodermic needles and vials. As he primes the gas mask, he strikes up a conversation with the man.*

Anesthesiologist: All this work you are having done today carries a staggeringly high price tag. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do for a living?

Wealthy patient: I am in the real estate business.

Anesthesiologist: Wow, you must be really good at your job to afford this luxury surgery.

Wealthy patient: Oh I am not that good. I just bought property extremely low and sold it for a killing.

Anesthesiologist: Do you ever have trouble buying properties? I can only assume some of the people you buy from do not wish to sell for a low price, or sell at all for that matter.

Wealthy patient: Yes, there is the occasional thorn in my side. I usually just pressure them into the sell, or I find a loop hole in their deed and I am able to buy the property out from under them.

Anesthesiologist: I think you do not give yourself enough credit, you sound like you are very good at your job. What happens to those people you evict in that manner?

*The anesthesiologist begins filling a large hypo with a powerful local anesthetic as he continues to talk to the man.*

Wealthy patient: Who knows?  I guess they either move on and find another place to live or they get left by the wayside and life marches over them. Either way, it is not my concern.

Anesthesiologist: I suppose you're right. Ok now, I am going to start the local injection to your face. First I will be putting a general anesthetic into your IV to calm you down and help with the overall pain. Don’t be alarmed if you can’t move your limbs as it is perfectly natural.

*He injects the drug into the IV. True to his word, the man on the table feels a warm tingly sensation and cannot move his arms or legs.*

Anesthesiologist: OK, that was not too bad was it?

Wealthy patient: Nosh too bads. I feelsh funny all oversh.

Anesthesiologist: Yes, that is absolutely normal. I am now going to start injecting your face. When I do, you are going to be unable to talk at all. After that, we will put you under with the gas, are you ready?

Wealthy patient: Yesh! Bringz on the newsh me!

*The anesthesiologist is a master at his trade and soon the man’s face is completely numb and immobile, only the man’s eyes show any signs of movement.*

Anesthesiologist: There now, all done except for the gas. While I have you here, I wanted to tell you a story. This story is of a boy who grew up an orphan on the streets with no home. This boy lost his home and his mother when a ruthless real estate tycoon paid some officials off at city hall to steal their home right out from under them. They were homeless and his mother eventually died from pneumonia trying to keep her son alive on the streets. Luckily, the boy beat the odds and grew up to make something of himself. That boy became a renowned anesthesiologist working for one of the highest paid plastic surgeons in the US. He lived a very normal life except for the undying need for vengeance against the man who caused his mother’s death.

*The man on the table stares back at him. His eyes widen with terror as he is unable to react in any other way.*

Anesthesiologist: It is true that only 1% that undergo this combination of procedures die, but did you know it was usually a reaction to the anesthesia? I bet until just now, you thought being part of the 1% was a great thing? Well, I am sorry to say, you will not be waking up from this surgery. Welcome to the 1%......you are about to become a statistic.